3. Engaging Communities

Engaging communities involves putting energy into understanding who is in your area, what their needs might be, and how you and local networks could support them. It is the act of reaching out to people, be they similar or different, of building connections and of creating trust.

Overview

Why do we need to focus on engaging Communities like this?

Building stronger social ties with our neighbours and local communities is in and of itself a transformative process. It enables us to create new and long-lasting connections with people who live in our community, to collectively create a support network of caring and compassionate neighbours, who look after each other, and to develop a sense of belonging, which can overcome the social isolation that runs through much of modern society. Making connections with others can also create a foundation from which we can work together to push for systemic change and to create a society that considers the needs of everyone. The way we organise and relate to our communities in this time of crisis could help to shift us towards a genuinely democratic society full of autonomous, empowered, resilient and supportive neighbourhoods and communities.

Mapping Out Your Community

Before we engage in community work, it can be really useful to think about our relationships and connections with others, be they neighbours, members of the local community, friends and family, or any others whose needs we are aware of. By ‘mapping’ these relationships and connections on paper, we can visually place ourselves in the wider community ecosystem and identify where we would like to focus our attention and who we would like to reach out to.

Map Out Your Relationships

Draw a map of yourself and your relationship to others. Place yourself in the middle of the page and draw lines out to others, be these people, communities, organisations or groups. The length of the line should represent your closeness or distance to those you identify.

This map can include both those that you are emotionally close to/far from and those you are physically close to/far from.

Once you have completed your map, consider the following questions:

Consider People’s Needs

This activity encourages us to think about who we need to be looking out for and what needs they might have. This activity can be difficult – thinking about those who are vulnerable and who need support can have an emotional impact. If you feel this is the case for you, then take some time out to think about what it is that is impacting you or reach out and talk to someone.

When completing the following questions, stay broad; you don’t just need to think about the people in your local community, you can think about people nationally or globally. Sometimes it helps to expand our vision outwards as we may not be aware of everything that is going on in our local communities.

Map Out Your Community

Now focus on your local community, using your ideas generated by the questions above and your knowledge of the area in which you live.

Draw a map of your community, using the following questions to guide you:

Engaging Diverse Communities

SOLIDARITY GUIDELINES

Solidarity is a collaboration where both parties are working towards shared liberation, based on mutual respect and understanding of the challenge.

Solidarity is an ongoing process and an essential quality for any activist to be developing.

This guide is not definitive. It is simply a collection of best practices and there are plenty of others out there. There are ongoing groups that are continuing to explore and deepen understanding of these areas, from workshops to discussion and action groups.

See this list of resources for readings, videos, listening and learning.

Ask yourself why you want to do a solidarity action.

Is it because you truly understand their struggle as equal to your own? Or because you just want them to support your issues. Good solidarity comes without expecting credit or reward. Good solidarity empowers everybody, but especially those who need that solidarity more.

This guide is split into two: first we talk about qualities needed for good solidarity, next we talk about practical guidelines for how to implement these qualities in acts of solidarity.

QUALITIES OF GOOD SOLIDARITY

1. Humility

This is not about feeling better about ourselves. It’s about compassion. You should offer your services as an act of love towards different communities. You should come from a place of humility rather than acting as a saviour.

Think about where the action fits into the timeline of their campaign - rather than your own. Solidarity may involve not using any personal branding, and sometimes may not even be public. Think about whether your solidarity action accidentally drowns out the work of groups you’re trying to act in solidarity.

Solidarity is a personal practice too. Good solidarity can only happen in authentic human connection.

Be prepared to make mistakes, say something insensitive, or use your power inappropriately...that’s ok, because you are trying authentically, reflecting and learning as you go along. Remember it’s never too late to say sorry, build bonds of trust and be better. Feeling uncomfortable is part of the process, it is in this space that you grow.

2. Willingness to learn and change

Get rid of preconceived ideas of how this is going to work, and instead try to listen and learn. What you shouldn’t do is presume to know what a group does, what it is about, how it organises, who it mobilises and what it wants. Nor should you presume to understand what the issue they work on is about. Understanding your own privilege before going into a meeting with a justice group will help to understand the cultural differences and ways of working. Be aware that we all carry expectations and judgements held from the past that we project onto others.

You are going to get things wrong, and that’s ok, notice a tendency to get defensive and fight it. Check your unconscious bias, and remember how infuriating it can be to be on the receiving end of this kind of bias. Here are some useful resources to tackle it.

Understand white saviorism and be guarded against it. But guilt is not helpful. We have to not worry too much about being called white saviours as long as we are doing this right. This is because white solidarity is important and necessary. Solidarity between the environmental movement and other movements is necessary for us all to succeed.

3. Active (not Passive)

Understanding issues is important, but bridge towards building personal relationships with people involved in the struggle, not just the organisers of each group, but every participant. Find out what actions they are taking, what little ways you can support (going to actions, platforming the issues, fundraising, ongoing dialogue, authentic friendship)

4. Collective Liberation

We are mutually librating each other in our common struggles as we seek to collaborate and work alongside one another. By showing solidarity with another group, you are helping their cause but also yours in turn.

5. Long term relationship and community building

Our work is to aid others in their development and that takes a while to establish. To build trusting networks of connections is a long term commitment that requires grassroots community building and strong interpersonal relationships.

6. Based on personal relationships

Not just organisational connection between the ‘leaders’ and a transactional arrangement; fostering empathy, compassion and a sense of service to others in a personal and organisational level are important to open up trust and loyalty.

TEN PRACTICAL GUIDELINES

For more information, check out this document made by XR Youth on what good solidarity involves.

Some further pointers

How to Deal with Conflict when Engaging with Strangers

Use this guide to understand both what you can do to avoid situations of conflict arising and what to do should conflict arise. This guide uses information and ideas from Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication (NVC) approach.

What is NVC?

NVC (also called ‘Compassionate Communication’ or ‘Collaborative Communication’) has been described as a language of compassion and a tool for positive social change. It is taught as a process of interpersonal communication designed to improve compassionate connection to others.

“NVC is based on a fundamental principle: underlying all human actions are needs that people are seeking to meet, and understanding and acknowledging these needs can create a shared basis for connection, cooperation, and more globally – peace.” These universal human needs are never in conflict; rather, conflict arises when the strategies for meeting those needs clash.

The goal of NVC is not to get what we want, but to make a human connection that will result in everyone getting their needs met. “Understanding each other at the level of our needs creates such connection because, at this deeper human level, the similarities between us outweigh the differences, giving rise to greater compassion. When we focus on needs, without interpreting or conveying criticism, blame, or demands, our deeper creativity flourishes, and solutions arise that were previously blocked from our awareness. At this depth, conflicts and misunderstandings can be resolved with greater ease.

Learning NVC is a process similar to learning a new language or skill: step-by-step learning coupled with ample time for practice leads to growing mastery. While it takes time to develop fluency, any knowledge of a new language makes it more likely that communication can take place.

The language of NVC includes two parts: honestly expressing ourselves to others, and empathically hearing others.” Both are expressed through four components, which this guide will explore: observations, feelings, needs, and requests.

What you can do to avoid situations of conflict arising

Expressing Feelings

To build trusting relationships in our communities, we can start by expressing feelings. NVC instructor Daren De Witt explains the powerful impact this can have: ‘expressing our feelings can have a profound effect on others, enabling them to see us in a more human way. Expressing our feelings to others and reflecting back their feelings fosters empathy, understanding and trust.’

Developing a feelings vocabulary

The more precisely we can identify and express feelings, the more effective our communication can be. It can be helpful to choose from the lists of words below and practice using them to express your feelings and help others to express theirs. You can gradually add to these lists and extend your feelings vocabulary.

Basic Feelings Vocabulary

When are needs aren't being met:

Restless, reluctant, aroused, helpless, embrassed, regretful, lonely, withdrawn, bored, tired, cold, numb, indifferent, low, uncomfortable, uneasy, unsure, confused, surprised, baffled, overwhelmed, concerned, anxious, nervous, worried, scared, frightening, terrified, fustrated, irrated, impatient, annoyed, angry, resentful, disgusted, furious, disappointment, unhappy, upset, hurt, sad, miserable, despairing, greif, pain.

When are needs are being met:

Cheerful, happy, buoyant, joyful, overjoyed, thrilled, blissful, ecstatic, pleased, appreciative, grateful, thankful, proud, delighted, glad, comfortable, secure, calm, content, at ease, peaceful, relaxed, astonished, fascinated, amazed, curious, hopeful, optimistic, enthusiastic, overwhelmed, inspired, hopeful, confident, excited, sensitive, loving, warm, touched.

Generally speaking, our culture places considerably less value on the expression of feelings than on the expression of ideas. Consequently, there is often confusion around the accurate expression of our feelings. Some of the commonest mistakes are:

Activity 1: Identifying Feelings

In each of the following statements, do you regard the speaker to be expressing his or her feelings? If not, please edit the sentence until it does.

  1. ‘I feel dismissed when no one at work responds to my suggestions’.
  2. ‘It feels completely incomprehensible how you can do such a thing.’
  3. ‘I’d be furious too if that had happened to me.’
  4. ‘You’re wearing me out.’
  5. ‘I feel independent, now that I have my own car and paycheck.’
  6. ‘I feel I am being unkind to others.’
  7. ‘I feel you’re annoying me on purpose.’

Please see the end of the guide for sample responses.

Expressing Needs

“When we’re in conflict with others, we often feel angry, and we criticise and blame them and ourselves. This often results in others feeling angry too. As a result, we are less likely to get what we want. A more effective approach is to pause, take a deep breath and work out what our need is, and then communicate it. The other person will better understand where we are coming from, and we are more likely to get our need met or have a constructive discussion about it.”

Feelings are clues as to what our needs or others’ needs might be. For example, a person might feel irritated and distressed if their need for respect is not being met. Pleasant feelings are clear signals that our needs are being met; painful feelings indicate unmet needs. Being able to recognise feelings will help us to uncover needs.

Some Needs We All Share

PLAY MEANING LOVE COMMUNITY SUBSISTENCE
Engagement Purpose Care Belonging Food
Fun Contribution Nurture Connection Water
Freshness Awareness Affection Support Light
Spontaneity Beauty Closeness Friendship Air
Stimulation Mystery Intimacy Contact Space
Rhythm Wholeness Touch Inclusion Warmth
Variety Adventure Sexual Expression Participation Movement
Comfort Challenge Solidarity Rest
Ease Creativity Loyalty Health
Relaxation Growth Help Hygiene
Learning
Achievement
Completion
CLARITY AUTONOMY PROTECTION EMPATHY EQUITY
Knowledge Independence Containment Understanding Equality
Awareness Freedom Safety Sympathy Fairness
To understand Choice Security Acceptance Sharing
Reassurance Control Peace Acknowledgement Cooperation
Simplicity Power Recognition Collaboration
Order Authenticity To be valued Honesty
Accuracy Integrity Consideration Movement
Competence Respect Openness
Efficiency Trust Keep to agreements
Skill Celebration Reliability
Mourning Consistency
Justice
Tolerance
Balance
Harmony
Unity

Different Ways of Saying Needs:
I need… Do you need…?
I would like... Would you like some…?
I value… Do you value…?
I want… Does...matter to you?
I love… I’m wondering if you might be wanting some…?
It’s important for me to have… Is it important for you to have…?
I would be really grateful to have some… Would you be grateful for some…?
I really enjoy… I’m guessing that you’re longing for…?
I long for… Are you hoping for some…?
I’m hoping for some… Is this all about...for you?
I could really do with some… Is this issue to do with...for you?
...is fun for me Would some...make a big difference for you right now?
...matters to me
Some...would mean/do a lot for me
Some...would be really helpful to me
Activity 2: What is my need here?

Consider the question, ‘What might my need be if I had the following thought in my head during a meeting?’ Have a go at translating each statement into a possible feeling and need.

  1. “She’s irresponsible. We all agreed to let someone know if we weren’t going to show up.”
  2. “Everyone else here knows more NVC than I do.”
  3. “He always takes more time than everyone else.”
  4. “People needing therapy ought to get professional help. We can’t handle that level of dysfunctionality here!”
  5. “This is boring.”
  6. “There should be a rule against using offensive sexist language in a group like this.”
  7. “There he goes again...someone should just shut him up!”
  8. “This group of people is so cold and rigid.”

Please see the end of the guide for sample responses.

Activity: Exploring Feelings and Needs
Reflective Listening

To connect with the feelings and needs behind any message, it helps to listen with empathy. Reflective listening shows you understand what another person is saying and meaning. It especially involves paraphrasing in your own words and using their ‘key words’ when they carry emotional charge. This kind of empathic listening can also have a profoundly clarifying effect. As psychologist Carl Rogers put it: ‘When I have been listened to and when I have been heard, I am able to re-perceive my world in a new way and to go on. It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens, how confusions that seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard.’

Philosopher Eugene Gendlin describes the steps involved in reflective listening:

Listening Empathically

A key ingredient of empathy is presence; this distinguishes empathy from mental or intellectual understanding or sympathy. ‘When we are thinking about people’s words and listening to how they connect to our theories, we are looking at people - we are not with them.’ Empathic listening is being “fully present to what the other person is feeling and needing, and not losing that through a fog of diagnosis and interpretation”. The listener needs to focus their awareness - and keep it focused - on the other person. This requires a degree of inner stillness in the listener, so that their focus does not switch to themselves whilst they are empathising. This is a matter of being so focused on the feelings of the speaker that our own reactions, preconceived judgements, analysis or interpretations do not intrude.

Rosenberg describes the following analogy to explain the nature of the focus that empathy requires: ‘Recall a time when you had a pain in your body, perhaps a headache or a toothache, and you became totally engrossed in a book. What happened to the pain? You no longer felt it. You didn’t suppress it; rather the focus of your attention was so fully on what you were reading that you were not aware of the pain. In empathy our attention is so fully focused on the feelings and needs of the other person at that moment that we are not aware of our thoughts about the person.’

‘The presence that empathy requires is not easy to maintain... Instead of offering empathy, we tend instead to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling, [or believe we have to ‘fix’ situations and make others feel better]. Empathy, on the other hand, requires us to focus full attention on the other person's message. We give to others the time and space they need to express themselves fully and to feel understood. There is a Buddhist saying that aptly describes this ability: “don't just do something, stand there.”’

There are some common behaviours that prevent us from being sufficiently present to connect empathically with others. The following are examples:

‘While we may choose at times to sympathise with others by feeling their feelings, it’s helpful to be aware that during the moment we are offering sympathy, we are not empathising.’

Deep Empathic Listening for Feelings and Needs

In situations of conflict, people can react with intensity, and their words do not reflect their feelings and needs. You can use the components of NVC to tune in to the feelings and needs of others, ‘in contrast to either (1) blaming yourself by taking the message personally, or 2) blaming and judging them.’ Rosenberg describes how empathic listening can help us to uncover what is truly alive in another person:

“In NVC, no matter what words others may use to express themselves, we simply listen for their observations, feelings, needs and requests...If I'm using NVC, I never, never, never hear what someone thinks about me. Never hear what someone thinks about you, you'll live longer. You'll enjoy life more. Hear the truth. The truth is that when somebody's telling you what's wrong with you, the truth is they have a need. Isn't getting met. Hear that they are in pain. Don't hear the analysis.”

Here is an example of Rosenberg putting empathic listening into practice to uncover the needs underneath what people say:

“I was working in a refugee camp in a country not very pleased with the United States. There were about 170 people assembled, and when my interpreter announced that I was an American citizen, one of them jumped up and screamed at me, “Murderer”!

Another one jumped up and shouted: “Child killer!”

Another: “Assassin!”

I was glad I knew NVC that day. It enabled me to see the beauty behind their messages, to see what was alive in them.

We do that in NVC by hearing feelings and needs behind any message. So I said to the first gentleman, “Are you feeling angry because your need for support isn't getting met by my country?”

Now, that required me to try to sense what he was feeling and needing. I could have been wrong. But even if we are wrong, when a person trusts that we’re sincerely… trying to connect with their feelings and needs in that moment, that shows the other person that no matter how they communicate with us, we care about what's alive in them. When a person trusts that, we're well on our way to making a connection in which everybody's needs can get met.

It didn't happen right away because this man was in a lot of pain. And it happened that I guessed right, because he said: “You're #!@&%! right!” adding: “We don't have sewage systems. We don't have housing. Why are you sending your weapons?”

I said: “So, sir, if I'm hearing you again, you're saying that it's very painful when you need things like sewage systems and housing - and when weapons are sent instead, it's very painful.”

He said “You're #!@&%! right! Do you know what it's like to live under these conditions for 28 years?”

“So, sir, you're saying that it's very painful, and you need some understanding for the conditions that you're living under.” So I heard what was alive in the guy, not that he thought I was a murderer. When he trusted that I sincerely cared about what he was feeling and needing, he could start to hear me.

Then I said, “Look, I'm frustrated right now because I came a long way to be here. I want to offer something and I'm worried now that because you've got me labeled as an American, you aren’t going to listen to me.”

He said, “What do you want to say to us?” So he could hear me then. But I had to see behind the human being behind the names he was calling me.”

Once we have heard the feelings and needs of the person we are communicating with, they are much more able to listen to what we have to say.

Activity 3: Empathy Exercises

You can use the following scenarios to practice empathic listening and expressing empathy.

  1. Someone at work says to you: “I couldn't sleep until 3 a.m. last night, thinking about our presentation today. So this morning I figured I'd better drink lots of coffee to keep me awake and alert… but now my head is killing me! Why do I always get hit with headaches when something important needs to be done?!”
  1. At a meeting, while you are in the middle of a sentence, someone turns to you suddenly and says, ‘don't you ever let someone else have a chance to talk?’ Respond to this person with empathy by:

Please see the end of the guide for sample responses.

  1. Recall an experience you had of ‘listening to someone with your whole being.’

  2. What are some conditions either internal (inside yourself) or external that support your ability to be empathic? What are conditions that work against it?

Observing Without Evaluating

The NVC process typically begins with neutral observation. ‘Observations are what we see or hear that we identify as the stimulus to our reactions. Our aim is to describe what we are reacting to concretely, specifically and neutrally, much as a video camera might capture the moment. This helps create a shared reality with the other person. The observation gives the context for our expression of feelings and needs, and may not even be needed if both people are clear about the context.

The key to making an observation is to separate our own judgments, evaluations or interpretations from our description of what happened. For example, if we say: “You’re rude,” the other person may disagree, while if we say: “When I saw you walk in and I didn’t hear you say hello to me,” the other person is more likely to recognise the moment that is described.’ Evaluations can be received as a judgement or attack, and can provoke a reaction, resistance and counter-attack from the other person.

NVC trainer Dian Killian suggests we can mostly easily make neutral observations ‘in conversations...by recapping what someone has said, without emotional input. That means not attaching any “story” to your response... Comments that begin in the first person, i.e. “I hear you say…” work better than “You just said…” For example:

Person 1: “We have to do something about the illegal immigrant problem, because they’re taking away our jobs, and people like you don’t care.”

Person 2: ”I’m hearing you say that you’re worried about your job security and that other people in this country are ignoring that concern.”

Re-capping what we have heard ‘slows the pace of conversation, and forces both sides to reflect and clarify. It does require practice; Killian point outs: “It’s a muscle to develop, because what we usually do when we’re disturbed by something is start disagreeing right away.”’ It can also be instinctive to respond with judgements and diagnosis. Rosenberg gave an example of some teachers he worked with who were having a conflict with their administrator. He asked them: “What does he do that you don’t like?” They initially responded by saying: “he has a big mouth”, “he talks too much”, and “he thinks he’s the only one with any intelligence.” After some prompting, they described specific behaviours that did not meet their need for efficiency: during staff meetings, regardless of the agenda, the administrator would relate it to one of his war experiences or childhood experiences. As a result, their meetings lasted much longer than scheduled. This is a clear observation without any evaluations mixed in. Here are some more examples:

Evaluation Observation
“You are so rude!” “When you tell me to get lost…”
“You’re selfish!” “I asked if someone could help me and you carried on with the task you were doing.”
“This place is a pigsty!” “There are clothes and toys covering most of the floor.”
“When I hear you yelling at Dad…” “When I hear you and Dad talk like that…”

Making clear, non-judgemental observations can:

Activity 4: Observation or Evaluation?

For the following statements, do you regard the speaker to be making an observation free of evaluation? If not, please give an example of an evaluation-free statement that matches the situation.

  1. “They are destroying the environment.”
  2. “One of the best ways to learn NVC is simply to practice, practice, practice.”
  3. “You lied to me about your grades.”
  4. “You are arguing with me for the fourth time this week.”
  5. “You drove the car without first getting my permission.”

Please see the end of the guide for sample responses.

Making Requests of Others

‘The fourth component of NVC involves making a request to others. We are asking them to do something to satisfy a need of ours. Our requests are strategies through which we might get our needs met. Needs are universal. The strategy through which we are asking to get our needs met is specific - we are asking to get our need met by a specific person, in a specific way, often at a specific time.

In ordinary communication we often confuse the level of ‘needs’ with the level of ‘requests’. We don’t mention our need but ask for the strategy as if it were a need, e.g. ‘I need you to turn off your radio.’ (Our actual need here is for peace and quiet.) Confusing the need with the request can contribute to conflict. Separating our need from the request helps us to be determined about getting our need met, and flexible about the way in which that need is met. This in turn gives the person we are in conflict with the opportunity to be flexible - to meet our needs in a way that will also meet any needs they have’. A useful and clarifying rule to return to is: hold tight to the needs, and loose to the strategies.

For example, imagine you are in a room with another person who is feeling too hot, but you are feeling cold. The other person wants to open the window to let in a cool breeze, but opening the window is a strategy that does not meet both your needs. Instead, you could put on a jumper, and the other person could put on some lighter clothes. By flexibly exploring other strategies with a focus on needs, everyone’s needs can get met.

Our requests are more likely to be met with a ‘yes’ if they:

There are three types of request we can make of others:

Activity 5: Making Requests - Incorporating All Four Components Into NVC

Imagine situations where someone utters the following statements. In each case, translate the statement using all four components of NVC, paying special attention that the request is positive, concrete, and immediately doable.

  1. “Your dog just made a mess on my lawn.” (Translate to: “When I see your dog…[observation] I feel... [feeling], because I need [need], and would you be willing to…[request]?”)
  2. “Yelling obscenities isn't going to get you what you want.”
  3. “By putting your money in mutual funds, you're just supporting guns and tobacco and sweatshops and all the things we’re trying to change in this world.”
  4. “This soup is much too calorific.”
  5. “At this company, we require teamwork. If that's not a priority for you, you'd better be looking for another job.”
  6. “But you told me two weeks ago that it would be fine if I were to take a long weekend this month.”

Please see the end of the guide for sample responses.

What to do should conflict arise

Should conflict arise, connecting with peoples’ feelings and empathically reflecting back to them what they are saying is an effective starting point. Studies done in labour management negotiations indicate that the time needed to settle disputes can be considerably shortened if one simple rule is followed: each participant must paraphrase what the previous speaker has said before saying anything in rebuttal.

Once you have heard the feelings and needs of those involved in the conflict, you can use the steps below to communicate your needs and explore strategies to meet them, as well as the needs of others.

1. Connect with your intention - to create an empathic connection with yourself and the other person, so all your needs may be met!

2. Express Yourself Using the Four Ingredients of NVC:

Observation: “When I see / hear…”

Feeling: “I feel…”

Need: “Because I need / would like…”

Request: “Would you be willing to…”

3. Hear their (imagined) difficult response:

4a. Connect empathically with them. Try:

Reflective Listening - mirror back what you are hearing them say.

4b. Connect empathically with them. Try: i. Connecting with the needs underneath what they are saying:

"Are you needing…?”

ii. Connecting with their feelings, if their feelings seem strong:

“I’m sensing you’re feeling…?”

(N. B. You may need to do any of these things two or three times until you have connected fully to their needs and they sense that they have been heard.)

5. Put all their needs and your needs on the table:

“I want you to get your needs met for…

...AND…

I also have a need for… (your original need(s) that you expressed with the four ingredients in part ‘2’ above).”

6. Look for solutions / strategies:

“Do you have any suggestions for how we could resolve this so you get … (your need/s)... and I can get… (my need/s)? OR “How about if we…?”

Suggested practice: NVC Journaling

To support your NVC learning and practice, you can journal the incidents that happen each day.

Sample Responses for Reviewing the Activities

Activity 1: Identifying Feelings

Please note - these are not examples of NVC, but only of the feeling component.

  1. ‘I feel anxious when no one at work responds to my suggestions.’
  2. ‘I feel very puzzled about how you can do such a thing.’
  3. ‘I feel concerned that this happened to you. I would have been furious if it had been me.’
  4. ‘I feel exhausted.’
  5. ‘I feel pleased and proud to have my own car and paycheck.’
  6. ‘I feel regret in how I am behaving toward them.’
  7. ‘I feel upset because I think you are annoying me on purpose.’
Activity 2: What is my need here?
  1. Example translation into an observation, feeling and need: ‘When I hear that none of us got a call from her, I feel discouraged because I want to be able to count on us carrying through with agreements we make together.” Universal needs: reliability, trust, integrity.
  2. Universal needs: competence, acceptance, respect
  3. Universal needs: mutuality, consideration, efficiency
  4. Universal needs: safety, integrity, competence
  5. Universal needs: stimulation, purpose, challenge
  6. Universal needs: respect, community, support
  7. Universal needs: consideration, connection, stimulation
  8. Universal needs: inclusion, warmth, community
Activity 3: Empathy Exercises
  1. “It's probably because you have a lot of tension when you are anticipating something important. Or maybe it's a combination of stress, lack of sleep, and the caffeine that's causing your headache.”
  2. “I really feel for you. it's the worst thing to have a horrible headache when you are about to do an important presentation!”
  3. “Why don't you take this ice pack and lie down for about 10 minutes?”
  4. “Are you frustrated because he would really like to be feeling energetic, healthy, and clear-headed for this presentation?”
  1. “Are you referring to my going ‘Oh no, oh no, oh no’ when Peter pointed to the map?”
  2. “Are you feeling irritated because you want everyone to be heard?”
  3. “Would you like for us to go around and hear from everyone before I speak again?”
Activity 4: Observation or Evaluation?

Please note - these are not examples of NVC, but only of the observation component.

  1. “They have clear-cut over 90% of this territory, and are still continuing.”
  2. “All the people in my practice group say that one of the best ways to learn NVC is simply to practice, practice, practice.”
  3. “I heard you say you passed all your courses but this report card shows two F’s.”
  4. “This is the fourth time I'm this week that you stated you disagree with something I'm saying.”
  5. If both parties (e.g. parent and teenager in a family) are in clear agreement regarding what constitutes ‘first getting permission’ then I would consider the speaking to be making an observation free of evaluation.
Activity 5: Making Requests - Incorporating All Four Components Into NVC
  1. “When I see your dog leaving turds on the lawn, I feel upset. We have kids who play here and I want the yard to be a safe, clean space for them. Would you be willing to use this plastic bag to remove the turds?
  2. “When I hear you addressing me like that, I feel agitated because I need cooperation and a peaceful resolution of our differences. Are you willing to tell me what you are feeling and needing right now instead of what you think I am?”
  3. “When I hear you have put your money in mutual funds, I feel dejected because I'd like to see us put our resources into what we value, rather than to support guns, tobacco and sweatshops. Would you be willing to tell me what you were feeling when you hear me say this?”
  4. “I am worried about the calories in this soup because I really need to take care of my health. Would you be willing to give me a bowl of noodles instead?”
  5. “When I read this report you wrote, I feel troubled, because I value teamwork and I need some reassurance that we are on the same page. Would you be willing to make an appointment so we can discuss how we each see the priorities for this job?”

Door-to-door Listening

Why Door-to-door Listening?

Door-to-door listening can be an incredibly powerful community-building tool that enables you to meet members of your local community and better understand the issues that matter to them. The process of knocking on people’s doors and simply listening to what they have to say is both humbling and empowering, and if done with care and consideration, it can foster strong links across a local area, helping to initiate a local movement and/or help an existing one gain momentum.

What Do I Need to Consider?

Throughout the door-to-door listening process it is important to remember that you are approaching people’s homes and that people may not be able to talk or may not want to. If someone does not feel like they have time to engage with you, then listen to them and respect their wishes – their home is their private space, and they are entitled to feel safe and free from hassle.

It is also important to try to avoid making assumptions: avoid judging someone on their race, gender, religion or age, and/or what their house looks like or the area in which they live. Everyone is different, knock on someone’s door with an open mind and with a willingness to connect and learn.

With door-to-door listening it is vital not to have an agenda, do not knock on the door with content that you want to peddle through as this will prevent you from being able to actively listen. Listen, genuinely listen, and let the person whose home who have knocked on guide the interaction. Do not try to equate their experiences with yours or interrupt with questions. Questions you might have will be related to your perspective and they will work to interrupt someone’s flow or make the conversation change direction.

Step by Step Guide

  1. Knock on the door. Take a step back once you have knocked so that people can open the door without feeling like their space is being invaded.
  2. If a child answers the door, do not introduce yourself, ask to speak with an adult.
  3. Introduce yourself slowly and clearly, making eye contact and avoiding making fast movements. Think about your body language – having your arms by your side and visible will make people feel more relaxed than if you have your arms crossed or your hands in your pockets. The aim is to make people feel at ease.
  4. Explain who you are, why you are there and outline whether or not you are representing a community movement or organisation – it is important to be transparent. If you are knocking to understand issues that matter to people, on behalf of a local charity, for example, you could state “Hello, my name is _______. I am here on behalf of ________ and I am knocking on doors in to better understand the issues that matter to people and their families in the local area.”
  5. It is important to give people the option of whether or not to engage, so follow this short introduction with a question, such as “do you have some time to talk to me about the issues that matter to you?” If people do not want to engage, move on. This is their home and you are a visitor.
  6. If people want to engage with you, then actively listen to what they have to say, keeping in mind your body language throughout the process. Let them guide the interaction. Do not interrupt, argue with them or outline your opinions. If you need to take notes, then explain why you would like to and check that this is ok with those you are listening to. Ideally, however, do so after the process as this will ensure you are fully present when you are listening.
  7. Be engaged. You may wish to highlight that you have heard what they have said by nodding along or making small sounds of agreement.
  8. If someone asks you questions, engage with them, but try to ensure that you avoid stressing your opinions if it may make people feel uncomfortable about expressing theirs. If a natural point arrives at which you can ask a question, prioritise asking probing questions that seek to understand their perspective better. Do not ask prying questions about personal information – people are entitled to privacy and such questions can alienate.
  9. Thank the person for their time and for sharing their views and feelings.
  10. If you feel there has been positive engagement and a genuine connection, then before you depart you may wish to give the person more information about your organisation or any local events happening. However, if there is no right time to do so, then leave this step out.

Top Tips:

Practical Steps To Community Engagement During Lockdown

This guide offers ideas on how to both reach out to community members during lockdown, and on how to connect with others who are socially organising during lockdown, such as your local Covid Mutual Aid Group or other community organisations. We recommend working to build trust with those you reach out to above all else and being an active listener (see this active listening guide for further information).

Whilst you might wish to discuss the Trust the People community democracy project and to promote grassroots democracy, timing these discussions is very important – if they are done too soon, people might feel that you are trying to push an agenda, and you might subsequently alienate them.

Reaching Out to Members of Your Community

Where Do Community Members Interact?

The first question to ask is: where do community members interact? Here are some ideas about where you can reach members of your community:

Be sure to reach out to those who may traditionally be forgotten about - the more vulnerable and isolated cohorts of your community. Focus on identifying ‘less visible’ demographics and on what the points of contact might be e.g. homeless charities, ‘Refugee’s welcome’, Youth Workers, etc. Ask those actively engaged in these organisations for input on how to engage with the communities they are involved in.

Practical Means of Reaching Out

Once you know where the people you want to reach are, consider the ways to reach out to them. Here are some suggestions:

When you are reaching out initially, make an effort to build trust and connections. Spend time getting to know people in your community.

Reaching Out to Organisations in Your Community

When communicating with other groups, especially groups who have been doing really fantastic work such as Mutual Aid, it’s important to make sure we are communicating effectively, but that we enter these spaces in a spirit of service and humility. Listen to those you encounter and work to build trust before you begin discussing community democracy.

Making Contact
Useful Resources

Resources for Reaching Out to Others in Your Community

Deep Hanging Out

The point of this guide is to frame an attitude to engaging different communities, impart confidence and share important skills, but this is not a roadmap. This work needs to be authentically connected to the people who undertake it. There are no cheats or shortcuts. To do it well will mean honestly interrogating your assumptions and overcoming fears. Sit with yourself and ask, given my interests, what could I do in my area? Am I comfortable with longer deeper chats? Is door-knocking more my thing?

It’s important not to spend too much time debating the strengths and weaknesses of an approach. None of us are experts, get out there, start trying things!

What is Deep Hanging-Out?

Originally a tool in Anthropology developed by Clifford Geertz, meaning to “immerse oneself in a cultural, group or social experience on an informal level”. We’re repurposing the idea.

Why does it matter that we do it?

Deep Hanging-out helps us form a deeper understanding of an area. It helps us to break down assumptions that we hold consciously or unconsciously. It also makes us a more closely connected member of a community, a vital thing for people to trust you.

Importantly, no community is a blank slate needing to be filled with any one understanding of community and/or democracy. Places are filled with formal and informal relationships between individuals, groups and organisations. Understanding these will help determine the role you might be able to play and how to support a community’s democratic culture without needing to reinvent the wheel. Consider the permaculture principle of causing the least change for greatest effect.

Who should we be hanging out with?

Usual suspects: us

Look for people who have been constructing a new system of operation for a while. Civil society, social enterprise, volunteer networks. See this list for national organisations who may have local chapters. Find out what their area of work is, what problem are they trying to solve?

Try to connect with members of these organisations in person. They will be able to explain a thorough picture of the other similar institutions in the area and save you a lot of time.

Excluded people who share our values

These are people who are open to ideas of pro-democracy and pro-community but aren’t otherwise engaged. Find out what the barriers are for these people becoming more involved?

People who don’t share our values

These are people who are excluded and don’t share your values. Why have they been excluded? What are the differences between their worldview and yours? What common ground do you share?

How do we do it?

You can think of the possibilities for Deep Hanging-out in two ways: (1) joining conversations (2) starting conversations.

1. Joining conversations

Before inviting people to meet you, go to where people are. Where in the community are people already interacting with each other? Think of places like cafés, the post office, schools, faith centres or the barber shop. Break out of your comfort zone and go to these places. Listen, observe and make friends.

Listening is a skill in itself, rarely cultivated in mainstream society. Practicing listening means really hearing what people are saying and rejecting the instinct to assume. Active listening is a practice to help us do this.

Active listening means overcoming the urge to judge, analyse, diagnose, question what someone else is saying whilst they’re speaking. It means, instead of thinking about your response, pay close attention and be present to what someone is saying. Reflecting back the essence of what you’re hearing to the person speaking proves you’re listening and helps build trust.

Real learning, authentic relating and actual understanding of others requires space for slower conversations. These are spaces where people have the time to build real relationships and are more likely to share their interests, anxieties and ambitions.

Don’t rush your attempt to learn about your community and any person within it.

2. Starting conversations

The community assembly is a fast-paced, transformative way to learn about a communities’ needs, but there are other slower forms of conversation that need to be had too. These other spaces are not ‘focus groups’ to inform your community building project, but part of the community building itself. All of these conversations will involve mutual learning, but they will also build trust.

Part of the feminisation of politics is creating spaces for discussions that are not competitive or ego-driven. In practice this could mean bringing in the arts, food and friendliness to a conversation. This might be a community feast, a games club or a conversation cafe.

These spaces need to be co-created by the new attendees who visit them. Ask them to edit the invitation (flyer, poster etc) in terms that would appeal to them more. Invite them to host their own gathering or join you in hosting one.

Many of those excluded from community conversations are people unable to attend events in the daytime or unlikely to visit public places. One way to try to reach these people is going door-to-door knocking. If done well, this method of engagement also allows for longer, more intimate conversations. See here for guidance on listening on the doorstep.

Who isn’t here?

Always ask who is not yet in your field of vision. Are there people you are unconsciously ignoring or afraid of?

Some examples

Games to Connect

Taken from Science of People article

What is an Icebreaker?

An icebreaker is an activity, event, or game that is designed to break down social barriers, make others feel more comfortable, and facilitate social interaction. Icebreakers are usually performed at the beginning of a meeting or team session and involve a group of people.

From conferences to team retreats, one thing learned is that an icebreaker truly can make or break an event. Here’s the science on this:

The results were clear. The teams that did the icebreaker before the scavenger hunt got the most selfies, had the shortest completion times, and reported liking each other more in the post-event survey. This is incredible! A couple of foot stomps, a few claps, and a cliché cheer improved performance, time, AND likability.

What Are Good Icebreaker Questions?

Icebreaker questions are a fun, easy way to get to know people and lighten the mood. They are similar to icebreaker activities but usually do not require much or any preparation at all. Here are some great icebreaker questions you can ask!

10 Icebreaker Questions to Get to Know People
  1. What is your proudest accomplishment?
  2. If you could write a book, what would it be about?
  3. What is the happiest moment in your life? What made it so special?
  4. What is the scariest thing you’ve ever done for fun?
  5. What is the best gift you’ve ever given/received?
  6. What is your dream job?
  7. What is something you were known for in college/high school?
  8. What’s the best piece of advice you’ve ever been given?
  9. Where is one place you’d love to travel to?
  10. What does your ideal day look like?
10 Fun Icebreaker Questions
  1. What is your spirit animal?
  2. Who would win in a fight: a horse-sized duck or 100 duck-sized horses?
  3. If you were a color, what would it be?
  4. What superpower would you choose to have? Why?
  5. What was your favorite television show as a kid?
  6. If you had a time machine, what time period would you travel to?
  7. If you could only eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
  8. If you had one wish, what would you wish for?
  9. If you were stranded on an island, what 3 things would you bring with you?
  10. What song best describes you?

Virtual Meeting Icebreakers

Not all meetings nowadays are in-person. Some are virtual. These fun icebreakers can be performed anytime, anywhere, no matter the distance!

Show and Tell

This is one of my favorite virtual icebreakers. Why? Because it reveals what your teammates really value! Here’s how to perform this icebreaker:

  1. Ask your remote team members to grab a nearby item (or even send a personal picture through group chat!). This item should be unique to them.
  2. Share! Take turns sharing your item and the story or personal meeting behind it.

For example, I recently shared in my weekly team meeting a small personal item: a llama doll I received from one of my friends! It was a great way to show to my remote team how I value small gifts from friends, and an easy icebreaker, too! Win-win!

Meet the Pet (or child, or partner, or plant)

This icebreaker idea is super simple, and who doesn’t like pets? It’s best performed for remote teams that are newer and/or as a first-day icebreaker. Here’s how:

  1. Have your remote team grab their pets or show a picture of them.
  2. Start the introductions! You can start off with the basics (name, age, where you got him/her), but make sure to throw in one personal/fun story you had with your pet.

Pro tip: If your teammate does not have a pet, ask them to describe their ideal pet. Or meet each other’s kids. Or meet each other’s plants. Feeling funky? Ask them what their spirit animal is!

Partner Lunch

Want a fun way to make a meeting more… dare I say… delicious? Enter: the Partner Lunch. This icebreaker requires a bit of prep work with your team, and it’ll be better if you’re in similar time zones.

  1. Schedule a time where you and your team can video call and eat a meal together.
  2. Find a partner. Randomly assign partners in your team to talk one-on-one for 10-20 minutes before your group call.
  3. Talk! Now’s a great time for the partners to get to know each other over lunch. You can even have a list of deep questions to help facilitate discussion.
Rotating Questions

In small groups, you can use great questions to get people to open up.

  1. Gather a list of icebreaker questions from earlier in the article, or check out my favourite 57 conversation starters you can use.
  2. Have everyone take turns answering questions. If they don’t like a question, they can choose another to answer!
Quiz Time

One of the funnest icebreaker activities is to take quizzes and compare the results with your team! Here at Science of People, we absolutely LOVE quizzes. We’ve got a ton of quizzes backed with science to help you and your team understand each other: